How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
