His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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