I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
