I wish you could order shots online.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
