You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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