NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
