I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
