very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Terrible idea I love it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
