I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize