he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
