I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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