I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So many bounce houses so little time
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
