allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
