Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize