my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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