One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
