the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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