i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
