i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
