My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
