im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
