drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
