Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
