Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
