it was like eating out sand paper
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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