Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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