When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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