I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
