This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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