if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
