remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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