Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
