I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
