I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize