The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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