Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
