1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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