I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
