Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
