she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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