barbara walters just said penis...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
