I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
