i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
