I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
