i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
