Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
