everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Found your dick twin last night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
