We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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