Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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