All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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