girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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