Michael Bay diarrhea
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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