When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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