she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
