I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
