I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
sarcasm needs its own font
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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